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SUMMER is approaching, and with it music festivals booking legacy acts for lazy nostalgia draws. These acts will stretch out their 15 minutes of fame for an excruciating 40. AN office worker is struggling to remember how to look busy while accomplishing nothing after four days of total leisure. THE world is mourning Po
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News
How to pretend you're getting something out of museums and galleries when you're not
3+ day, 14+ hour ago (329+ words) THE Bayeux Tapestry is open to the public, but in truth you’re usually bored shitless at worthy exhibitions like this. Here’s how to pretend to be interested convincingly. Stare for an acceptable period Stare at exhibits long after you’ve got…...
We ask you: What British event should we make a new Bayeux tapestry of?
1+ week, 1+ day ago (142+ words) THE Bayeux Tapestry records the birth of Britain as a nation when we heroically lose a fight to the French. What should be on a new one? Mary Fisher, cleaner: “Strictly series 5, when Alisha Dixon won. No, series 18 when Bill…...
Ironic: Woman enjoys true crime despite not wanting to be murdered
1+ week, 5+ day ago (423+ words) A WOMAN who listens to podcasts about violent crime in every spare moment would prefer never to be the victim of a violent crime herself, she has admitted. Crime aficionado Mary Fisher loves nothing more than tales of innocent women…...
Bob Dylan and other legends coining it on the basis this might be their last tour
2+ week, 2+ day ago (660+ words) TICKETS to see Bob Dylan have been dynamically priced in correlation with his life expectancy. These musicians also use the spectre of their imminent loss to jack up the price: Nobody knows what Bob Dylan is singing, including Bob Dylan....
Ultra-violent video game set to unite world in beautiful harmony
2+ week, 2+ day ago (359+ words) A GAMING franchise centred on enacting criminal violence against innocents seems to be so beautiful it could heal the world, fans believe. Following a gameplay reveal for Grand Theft Auto VI on Thursday, gamers are confident that when the full…...
Men who spent entire 1970s joking about Dolly Parton's breasts also in mourning
2+ week, 4+ day ago (535+ words) THE men who spent an entire decade joking about, and thinking about, Dolly Parton’s spectacular bosom are also mourning her today. While their grief is making few headlines, a whole generation for whom Parton was the go-to reference for larger-chested…...
The nine undeserving candidates to be the UK's next City of Culture and why they should all fail
2+ week, 5+ day ago (531+ words) THE UK is looking for its next City of Culture and has ignored the obvious candidates in favour of locations with no connection to culture whatsoever. These are they: Half-named after a man who did some culture, all connection with…...
'You're my lobster' and other quotes from TV shows people need to get the f**k over
3+ week, 5+ day ago (348+ words) THE unimaginative walk among us, still trotting out quotes from TV shows that ceased broadcast decades ago. These six scream ‘Jesus Christ, watch something else’: It was fun the first time Phoebe Buffay suggested that Friends couple Ross and Rachel…...