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SUMMER is approaching, and with it music festivals booking legacy acts for lazy nostalgia draws. These acts will stretch out their 15 minutes of fame for an excruciating 40. AN office worker is struggling to remember how to look busy while accomplishing nothing after four days of total leisure. THE world is mourning Po
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News
Drinking boiling hot liquid 'bad for you"
4+ day, 19+ hour ago (585+ words) DRINKING liquid so hot it is steaming and hurts to swallow has negative effects on the human body, shocked researchers have found. A six-year study into whether liquid that would scald skin if poured directly onto it could do any…...
Harry and Meghan: will they settle in the Cotswolds or Redcar?
5+ day, 21+ hour ago (598+ words) SPECULATION at to where Harry and Meghan will make their UK home is at fever pitch. Will it be the Cotswolds, or the north-eastern seaside town of Redcar? We assess: The Cotswolds: home to the wealthy Aristocrats, Kate Moss and…...
We are also available for far-right birthday parties, say 300 masked men
6+ day, 21+ hour ago (421+ words) THE 300 masked men who blockaded the port of Dover have confirmed they are also available to arrive in force at far-right birthday parties. The men of Patriot Platform announced their arrival on the UK’s entertainment scene with a short blockade…...
Starmer: 'My father made one supreme tool. It is I"
1+ week, 4+ day ago (375+ words) KEIR Starmer has resigned from Parliament after realising his toolmaker father spent his childhood crafting one perfect tool, and that he is it. The former prime minister, thought to be the first to lose office simply because everyone despised him,…...
Why predictions Brexit would damage the UK's economy were wrong even though they've happened
1+ week, 4+ day ago (646+ words) By Norman Steele, ordinary decent Briton and Brexiter, not that it’s relevant BLAMING Brexit? How backward. We all know the predicted economic damage of Brexit was a lie, even though that has happened but by coincidence. So for Burnham to…...
Transfer deadline day also a bank holiday, men tell bosses
1+ week, 5+ day ago (466+ words) MEN in offices have explained to their superiors that today is also a bank holiday if you are sufficiently into football. Anyone who has a season ticket, a Sky Sports subscription or a Fantasy League team is allowed to attend…...
Ironic: Woman enjoys true crime despite not wanting to be murdered
1+ week, 5+ day ago (423+ words) A WOMAN who listens to podcasts about violent crime in every spare moment would prefer never to be the victim of a violent crime herself, she has admitted. Crime aficionado Mary Fisher loves nothing more than tales of innocent women…...
We ask you: What's your libellous theory of why Harry and Meghan are moving to the UK?
3+ week, 2+ day ago (393+ words) THE Duke and Duchess of Sussex are moving to Britain, and we’ve all got our own legally inadmissible opinions as to why. What’s yours? Roy Hobbs, roofer: “Satanic abuse network collapsed and they’re fleeing arrest most likely, same as Ellen....
Homeless people are untidy, Britain reluctantly agrees
3+ week, 4+ day ago (447+ words) DESPITE the UK’s natural unwillingness to help the unfortunate, Burnham’s plan to end rough sleeping has won support because they are rather scruffy. Britons have agreed that much as they are against kindness on principle, if it makes their town…...
I hold all my key Zoom meetings in Wetherspoons. This phone speaker ban will hurt my bottom line
3+ week, 4+ day ago (688+ words) ‘BUY,’ ‘Sell,’ What’s the margin on that?’ and ‘Borrow in yen and invest in bonds.’ Just a few of the things I say while running a major business from Wetherspoons. Yes, world-leading CEOs such as myself and Stephen Bartlett have…...